I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
