If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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