if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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