i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
