I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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