Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Houston, we have a squirter
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
