I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
