quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
