just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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