If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
