i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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