Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
