Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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