I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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