Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
