Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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