Who did Billy Mays play for?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
