Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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