i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
