Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
