I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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