We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
