The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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