U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
