I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If I die, sorry about rent.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
