I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
