It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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