The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i believe in u and ur pee
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