I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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