last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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