my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
how does that bad decision feel?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
