I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
