It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
