Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
