Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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