I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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