I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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