The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
