Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
