Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
How external is "for external use only"?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
