The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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