I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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