A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My first STD was from a foam party
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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