And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
