For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
