We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
