I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
