I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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