Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
