You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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