I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
