what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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