90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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