What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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