apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
