Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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