I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
