The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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